Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Don't let your lawyer, criminal lawyer, divorce lawyer, state lawyer, attorney make you the victim!!! Post your stories and comments and let us all unite!!!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Lawyer Ideas
Sometimes lawyers can lead to several problems in our lives... Divorce lawyers are a good example because divorce lawyers act when a couple who (hopefully) once loved each other, now needs a lawyer to settle things down... See below for some ideas of where divorce lawyers might lead us:
What do you say? Can lawyers make our lives difficult?
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Rules for hunting lawyers - New York State Attorney Hunting Season - for Adults ONLY!
1400.02 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid New York State hunting license may hunt attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps is allowed in the State of New York. However, it is prohibited to use currency as bait.
3. The killing of attorneys with an automobile or any other vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally hit, remove dead lawyer or attorney to roadside and go to the closest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It is prohibited to use the words "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the specific purpose of trapping lawyers.
6. Lawyers are not to be hunted within 100 meters of any auto dealerships (and more specificially BMW's and Volvo's.)
7. Lawyers are not to be attracted via cocaine, young boys (or girls and women), $100 bills, prostitutes, or automobile accidents.
8. In the State of New York, it is illegal to hunt lawyers and attornyes withing 100 meters of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. It is prohibited for a hunter to be disguised as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting lawyers in the city or State of New York.
1. Any person with a valid New York State hunting license may hunt attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps is allowed in the State of New York. However, it is prohibited to use currency as bait.
3. The killing of attorneys with an automobile or any other vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally hit, remove dead lawyer or attorney to roadside and go to the closest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It is prohibited to use the words "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the specific purpose of trapping lawyers.
6. Lawyers are not to be hunted within 100 meters of any auto dealerships (and more specificially BMW's and Volvo's.)
7. Lawyers are not to be attracted via cocaine, young boys (or girls and women), $100 bills, prostitutes, or automobile accidents.
8. In the State of New York, it is illegal to hunt lawyers and attornyes withing 100 meters of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. It is prohibited for a hunter to be disguised as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting lawyers in the city or State of New York.
A Lawyer's Fee Schedule
A man went to his attorney's office to talk about the new fee schedule.
The lawyer, looking through his papers, told him, "You owe me $2000 down and $532.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months."
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's my new car," said the lawyer.
The lawyer, looking through his papers, told him, "You owe me $2000 down and $532.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months."
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's my new car," said the lawyer.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
AMAZING lawyer story
I HAVE to tell you something that happened to my cousin with TWO lawyers!
This very strange thing happened to his girlfriend. Her former employee used her picture in a major national advertising campaign without her consent and without having paid her a dime. They decided they would sue her former employee and went to a lawyer. They went to his brother's friend, who happened to be a lawyer, who changed them $150. Not too bad, I would say. Two weeks later, without having done anything, he called them up and told them he was too inexperienced to handle the case and that he would recommend another friend of his, who was an very experienced (and older) lawyer - BAD NEWS!! They went to this other lawyer who told them they have a 96% chance of winning the case, but that the lawsuit would cost them $4,000 for which they would have to prepay $1,000. They innocently paid.
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS AND THEY HAVEN'T HEARD BACK FROM HIM!!
Lawyers... So my cousin called him up yesterday and told him, "hey, dude, what's up with you and why are you disappearing on us? In five day, the festival is over and there will be no point in suing anymore..."
In any case, to make a long story short, the lawyer told him a major BS story, that he had changed his "strategy" (WHATEVER!) and hadn't told him what his new plan was because he wanted him to act "natural" around the former employee (they had met earlier that day). Doesn't this tell us something about lawyers? I have to tell you I was pretty shocked...
This very strange thing happened to his girlfriend. Her former employee used her picture in a major national advertising campaign without her consent and without having paid her a dime. They decided they would sue her former employee and went to a lawyer. They went to his brother's friend, who happened to be a lawyer, who changed them $150. Not too bad, I would say. Two weeks later, without having done anything, he called them up and told them he was too inexperienced to handle the case and that he would recommend another friend of his, who was an very experienced (and older) lawyer - BAD NEWS!! They went to this other lawyer who told them they have a 96% chance of winning the case, but that the lawsuit would cost them $4,000 for which they would have to prepay $1,000. They innocently paid.
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS AND THEY HAVEN'T HEARD BACK FROM HIM!!
Lawyers... So my cousin called him up yesterday and told him, "hey, dude, what's up with you and why are you disappearing on us? In five day, the festival is over and there will be no point in suing anymore..."
In any case, to make a long story short, the lawyer told him a major BS story, that he had changed his "strategy" (WHATEVER!) and hadn't told him what his new plan was because he wanted him to act "natural" around the former employee (they had met earlier that day). Doesn't this tell us something about lawyers? I have to tell you I was pretty shocked...
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Lawyer Jokes
Welcome to Lawyer Page. As us, you have probably been hit by the malicious tricks of lawyers. Therefore, we have created a non-profit organization, which, through satirical anecdotes, warns you, the simple citizen, of the tricks of lawyers all over the world.
Our goal is to become the largest collection of lawyer jokes and cartoons. Feel free to leave your comments on the page. If you have additional ideas, or comments, pls leave them, as well. If you wish to contact us directly, pls do so at the number appearing at the bottom of this page.
Best,
The Lawyer Jokes Team
Our goal is to become the largest collection of lawyer jokes and cartoons. Feel free to leave your comments on the page. If you have additional ideas, or comments, pls leave them, as well. If you wish to contact us directly, pls do so at the number appearing at the bottom of this page.
Best,
The Lawyer Jokes Team
Personal Injury Lawyer
Personal Injury Lawyer in a brain store
A Personal Injury Lawyer went to a store that sells brains.
He wanted to check a personal hypothesis. After reading a sign in the store regarding the quality of brains offered, he decides to inquire the prices of the different brains available.
"How much does a doctor's brain cost?" He asks the butcher.
"Five dollars the kilo."
"How about a waitress's brain?"
"Three bucks the kilo."
"And for a personal Injury lawyer's brain?"
"$1,000 dollars the kilo."
"Why so much?" Asks the confused lawyer.
"Well, you have no idea how many personal injuries we've had to kill to put together one kilo."
How Immigration Lawyers Do it…
Immigration Lawyers do it with taste.
Immigration Lawyers do it with high self-esteem.
Immigration Lawyers do it to get to the trial.
Immigration Lawyers do it for justice's sake.
Immigration Lawyers do it for however long there is money behind the deal.
Immigration Lawyers do it for as long as it's legal.
Satan visited a lawyer.
Satan visited a lawyer. He was interested in making him a special lawyers' offer. "If you're willing to give me one major thing, I can arrange a very special deal for you. I can multiply your income by five or even six. This way, everybody will adore you, look up to you, respect you. You'll be able to take as much vacation as you wish. Nobody will ever call you a lying, cheating lawyer ever again."
"And what do you need in return?" Asked the eager lawyer.
"In return I need your wife's soul, as well as your children's and their children's. Their souls must prevail in hell for ever and ever."
After pausing a moment, the lawyer asked, confused, "What's the catch?"
Criminal Attorney Question
What is a Criminal Attorney? Redundancy.
Tax Attorneys in Accidents
Did you hear about the Tax Attorney who was involved in a terrible accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Personal injury attorneys to change a light bulb
How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake the ladder and make sure the first one falls, and the third to sue the light bulb company. The first personal injury attorney will then make sure to sue the ladder company, as well.
Divorce Law
Did you hear they are now selling a new children's doll called "Divorced Barbie"? Yeah, it comes with a Divorce Lawyer and two thirds of Ken's property and alimony.
A defense attorney was driving his amazing new Volvo
A Defense Attorney was driving his amazing, shining new Volvo. He was singing "I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo." Not looking at the street, he ran into a tree. Surprisingly, the Defense Attorney survived, but his Volvo was a wreck. He cried, "My Volvo, My Volvo!!"
A man who was just walking by hurried to help him out. He said, "Sir, let me help you, you're bleeding. Oh, your right arm is gone!"
The Defense attorney, hysterical, yelled, "My Golden Rolex, My Golden Rolex!!
A Personal Injury Lawyer went to a store that sells brains.
He wanted to check a personal hypothesis. After reading a sign in the store regarding the quality of brains offered, he decides to inquire the prices of the different brains available.
"How much does a doctor's brain cost?" He asks the butcher.
"Five dollars the kilo."
"How about a waitress's brain?"
"Three bucks the kilo."
"And for a personal Injury lawyer's brain?"
"$1,000 dollars the kilo."
"Why so much?" Asks the confused lawyer.
"Well, you have no idea how many personal injuries we've had to kill to put together one kilo."
How Immigration Lawyers Do it…
Immigration Lawyers do it with taste.
Immigration Lawyers do it with high self-esteem.
Immigration Lawyers do it to get to the trial.
Immigration Lawyers do it for justice's sake.
Immigration Lawyers do it for however long there is money behind the deal.
Immigration Lawyers do it for as long as it's legal.
Satan visited a lawyer.
Satan visited a lawyer. He was interested in making him a special lawyers' offer. "If you're willing to give me one major thing, I can arrange a very special deal for you. I can multiply your income by five or even six. This way, everybody will adore you, look up to you, respect you. You'll be able to take as much vacation as you wish. Nobody will ever call you a lying, cheating lawyer ever again."
"And what do you need in return?" Asked the eager lawyer.
"In return I need your wife's soul, as well as your children's and their children's. Their souls must prevail in hell for ever and ever."
After pausing a moment, the lawyer asked, confused, "What's the catch?"
Criminal Attorney Question
What is a Criminal Attorney? Redundancy.
Tax Attorneys in Accidents
Did you hear about the Tax Attorney who was involved in a terrible accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Personal injury attorneys to change a light bulb
How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake the ladder and make sure the first one falls, and the third to sue the light bulb company. The first personal injury attorney will then make sure to sue the ladder company, as well.
Divorce Law
Did you hear they are now selling a new children's doll called "Divorced Barbie"? Yeah, it comes with a Divorce Lawyer and two thirds of Ken's property and alimony.
A defense attorney was driving his amazing new Volvo
A Defense Attorney was driving his amazing, shining new Volvo. He was singing "I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo, I adore my Volvo." Not looking at the street, he ran into a tree. Surprisingly, the Defense Attorney survived, but his Volvo was a wreck. He cried, "My Volvo, My Volvo!!"
A man who was just walking by hurried to help him out. He said, "Sir, let me help you, you're bleeding. Oh, your right arm is gone!"
The Defense attorney, hysterical, yelled, "My Golden Rolex, My Golden Rolex!!
A Criminal Lawyer in a Cocktail Party and MORE!
A Criminal Lawyer in a Cocktail Party
A Criminal Lawyer met his Surgery Doctor friend in a cocktail party. A man approached the doctor and consulted him regarding a surgery that didn't go very well the year before.
The impatient doctor answered him quickly. He then asked his criminal lawyer friend, "How do you usually react when people ask you for a consultation during a social event?"
"Well, that's simple," said the criminal lawyer, "I send them the bill in the morning."
On the next day, the Surgery Doctor hurried to his office to prepare the $50 bill for the man who had approached him at the party. On his desk lay a $100 bill from the criminal lawyer.
Immigration Lawyers' Club
A group of crooks decided to break in to a lawyers' club. The old Immigration Lawyers fought for their life and their money. The crooks were happy to leave the place intact and escape the fight.
"We're not that bad off," one of the thieves commented. "We have $35 between the lot of us."
The eldest thief screamed in desperation, "We had $1,000 when we went in the club!"
A Beginning Defense Attorney
A Beginning defense attorney took over his father's practice. One night, he came home happy as ever with some good news for his father.
“Dad, you'll never guess!,” he said, “I’ve settled for once and for all that old Stanley case.”“Settled it!” cried his desperate defense attorney dad. “Why, that was a case I left you as an annuity for life.”
A Defense Lawyer's Choice
On his death bed, a rich old man decided he wanted to take his money with him. He called the three people he had trusted most during his lifetime: his priest, his doctor and his defense lawyer. Here's $3 million. I want each of you to hold on to $1 million and put it in my coffin when I go. I want to take all my money with me."
After the funeral ceremony, each one of the three men put a package in the coffin next to the dead man. As they were saying good bye to each other, the priest, unable to hold the shame and guilt any longer, said, "I must confess, "I put only $800,000 in the coffin. I need to renew the loft in the church".
"I, too, must confess, priest," said the doctor, "I left the man $500,000, since I really need to redecorate my office and get some new equipment."
The defense lawyer was surprised at the two, and said, "The two of you disappoint me." I put the whole $1 million in the coffin, but made myself a personal check for the service for a full $1 million!"
Personal Injury Lawyers are guilty for all of America's problems
In a cocktail party, a group of people were discussing the problems of America and blaming Personal Injury Lawyers for them. One man said, "I don't think they are so bad. I got $2,500 from my Personal Injury Lawyer," he claimed.
"Impossible!" said the crowd.
"Well, that is exactly what happened," said the man. "I suffered a personal injury case. My bill amounted to $120,000 with the lawyer's fee, the witnesses, testimonials and all. When the judge declared that I deserved $122,500, my Personal Injury Lawyer simply game me the difference."
Lawyer Jokes Team
Hope you've enjoyed our jokes. Pls learn lessons from them and don't let your personal injury lawyer, defense lawyer, immigration lawyer or any other form or shape of attoney do the same to you. If you've got any questions, or stories pls do tell us about them by leaving your comments, or calling us at + 312 255 2625.
Best of luck and watch out,
The Lawyer Jokes Team.
Best of luck and watch out,
The Lawyer Jokes Team.
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